.....AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER....NOT!

Mark and I have been married for almost 30 years.  We've been together longer than we we've been apart.  I can't imagine my life without him and he feels the same way about me.  On the surface, our story reads like a cheesy 80's movie.....boy singer meets girl singer at a wedding where they are hired to perform.  Sparks fly from the moment boy lays eyes on girl's big red lips (Mark's version of the story)  and then....they sing.... "Endless Love" (gah!!!).  Boy asks girl out and ten months later, they marry and live happily ever after.  THE END.  Cue 80's music.  Roll credits.   I could leave it at that and you would probably believe me, right?  After all, Mark IS a pastor!   Don't all pastors and their wives have perfect marriages?  Isn't it like a prerequisite or something?  I mean, we counsel and teach others about how to have great marriages.  We've read countless books on marriage, sat through services at church devoted to marriage, and attend marriage conferences.  And certainly, we, of all people, know what the Bible says about marriage.  But the truth is, our marriage has been extremely difficult.   The truth is that we are two very broken, very flawed people,  and our 30 years together have been anything but bliss much of the time.

Mark and I couldn't be more different in personality.  Mark is a thinker, I am a feeler.  He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.  He is a visionary.  I get overwhelmed just looking at the weekly calendar.  He's an intellectual and philosopher.  I tend to be simple minded and take things at face value. (it's a gift to be simple, by the way).  On a good day, we can honestly say we admire those things about one another and have benefited greatly from being with someone who is so completely opposite.  But sometimes, (more than we would like), we find ourselves frustrated, irritated, and feeling terribly misunderstood....well, at least we have THAT in common.

Just in case you think I'm exaggerating to be "culturally relevant"or to make you feel better about your relationship (which many of you will, I'm sure), I'm gonna put it all out there (TMI alert)......We don't just argue, we fight.  We have broken almost every "fair fighting" rule in the book, more than once.  We have blamed, brought up the past, mocked (ya, that's mature), been unforgiving, refused to apologize, been selfish, stubborn and self protected, slammed doors, sworn, (sorry, Mama) and it's happened in front of our kids at times.  Let me say, we are SOOOOO NOT PROUD of this! It makes us seriously sad sometimes.   It's not that we don't want to have a super adorable marriage...we really do!  But we struggle...oh, do we struggle.

 Now at this point, I am fully aware that some of you think that I am absolutely crazy and are a tad uncomfortable with how much you know about me....I don't know why but that makes me smile a little, I'm kinda twisted that way.  Perhaps some of you are thinking, " What kind of idiot would actually admit to all of this crap publicly??? ..... ESPECIALLY a PASTOR's wife????? (all who are feeling led to pray for us, proceed).  I am also fully aware that I have lost all kinds of credibility with some of you and I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with that because life is hard and life is real and we need to talk about it instead of playing games and pretending to be something we're not.  I'm putting it all on the table because I know we're not the only ones who have struggled FOR YEARS to keep their marriage intact.  I know what it's like to feel frustrated, miserable, embarrassed, weak and just plain tired of it.  I know what it is to feel like no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to make it better.  And I know what it's like to feel like EVERYONE has a better marriage than you.  BUT, there is hope.

There is hope because there is God and He is bigger than our seemingly crappy marriages.    He's bigger than our differences, our weaknesses, our failures, our selfishness, and our hurt.  There's hope because, while our spouses all have wonderful strengths that we enjoy, their WEAKNESSES are actually God's GREATEST gift to us.  The pain that we experience in our relationships is what brings us to our knees.  And that's where God develops OUR character and makes the necessary changes in OUR hearts.  It's where we learn to relinquish control and where we learn how to forgive and be forgiven.  It's where we become painfully aware of our own selfishness and short comings and it's where we learn what real love, grace, truth, humility and redemption look like.

Please, don't loose heart!  Keep fighting!  Keep talking to each other!  Keep struggling!  Stop being so concerned with the changes your spouse needs to make and focus on the changes YOU need to make. If you don't think there are any, keep looking.  I PROMISE you'll find them. :-)   Let go of your pride and don't be afraid to admit that you can't figure it out on your own. Get professional help if need be.  Don't let bitterness and resentment win.  Don't let Satan fool you into believing you made a mistake or that your life would be better with someone else.  Don't discount the blessings that have come out of your relationship and don't underestimate the power of your marriage for your family, friends and countless others.  Lastly, don't value the desire for so-called happiness over the covenant that you made with God.  Stay faithful to that covenant and know that we are doing the same.  He will honor your faithfulness and perseverance and He will continue to use your union to build His kingdom and change the world.

Deut. 7:9  "Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.