MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN
I have felt this way most of my life. Of course, as a kid, I went through phases of resenting the fact that my parents, teachers and other adults decided EVERYTHING for me. (I can hear my teenager's complaints about this very subject in my head as I write). I remember longing to be an adult so that I could make my own decisions and do whatever I wanted....Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!!! HILARIOUS, right? If you're like me, you RARELY do whatever you WANT as an adult. I mean, it was so HORRIBLE having a free place to live, free food, free clothes, meals prepared, laundry done, transportation, and medical care provided. Not to mention, being loved, guided, protected and supported every single day of my life ....just HORRIBLE!!! Kids are so dumb!
I got married at 20....barely an adult, but FINALLY in charge of my own life. EXCEPT there was now another person that had, at the very least, equal say in how I spent my time....And then we had kids....And the end. :-) I remember feeling trapped at times (uh, like yesterday) and regretful about not pushing harder to pursue personal goals and interests. Over the years, as much as I love my family and want to take care of them, I have easily slipped in and out of feeling like their victim or hostage (uh, like yesterday), sometimes to the point of blessed martyrdom and certain sainthood. I give and I give and I give........
Don't get me wrong. It's not necessarily always about being selfish verses being selfless, although I'm definitely selfish more than I would like to admit. It's not a matter of whether or not I'm trying to be a good wife and mom, and it's definitely not wrong to have other things in our lives besides taking care of our people. Seriously, we'd go crazy, right? (Can I get an "amen", mamas?) But, is it possible to really, truly lay down our lives every, single, stinkin' day and be joyful about it?
A little over 4 years and 20 pounds ago, my husband and I (ages 52 and 45 respectively at the time) adopted a 6 month old and an 18 month old ( children number 6 and 7 for our family). The initial decision was surrounded by so much excitement and adrenalin that for the first year, we really didn't know what hit us. Our daughter is diabetic and both children were born cocaine and alcohol addicted. This meant developmental delays for both, enormous amounts of appointments to assorted specialists, and therapies of various kinds. If I had a nickel (even a penny) for every page of forms that I have filled out or every mile I have driven in the last 4 years.....GOOD LORD! Anyway, once the "honeymoon" was over, I found myself completely entrenched in medical issues, behavioral issues, emotional issues, insurance issues, evaluations, research, prescription refills, medication administration, phone calls, forms, applications and appointments. There was no longer any room WHATSOEVER for dreaming, scheming, wondering, relaxing, vacationing, exercising, showering, or relationships. I had to abandon every outside interest in my life so as to conserve all my energy for taking care of these two precious ones. Did I mention we have 5 other children? Life was hard and continues to be hard....so, so, so hard! okay.....Time to get makin' lemonade.... :-)
A year or so before we adopted our two little ones, I fervently asked God to help me not to waste my life. Some people, like my hubby, are super motivated and goal oriented. I am not one of those people. You see, I am naturally very sloth-like. I could "hang" all day, every day and be ever so content. But because I love God, and because I know I have only one chance at this life on earth, I want to be responsible with it. Be that as it may, left to my own devices, I would surely squander the opportunity. So God did the only thing He could do with my request. He gave me two children with special needs who would utterly and completely require my life...all of it. It didn't take long for me to recognize that God had answered my prayer. I no longer had to worry about finding a way to give my life away. He left me no other option.
"MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN".... It's a fantastically spiritual thing to say. And when I feel extra righteous, and all of the planets are aligned, and my hormones are perfectly balanced and my weight is exactly where I want it to be, I can say "MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN" in my super christian, breathy voice and feel pretty good about it. Truth is...I'm human and I naturally lean toward self preservation. Everyday I feel the tension of desiring to protect myself and giving all that I have for them...for Him. So, maybe it's a matter of perspective....victim verses victor, perhaps? Even as I've been trying to write this post over the last few days, I have had sick kids who have been VERY needy and VERY demanding. They keep asking me to get things for them and taking up all of my time! "Hey, Kids, Mama's trying to write a cool blog post about laying my life down for you! Can you just give me a freakin' minute?" Oh, Irony, how I adore you!
I still have so much to learn about what it means to follow Christ and His teachings! But what I have learned so far is that I am absolutely incapable of doing it on my own. In the words of my 5 year old, "I can't want to"! I just NEED Jesus, plain and simple! I need Him desperately every minute of every day. Honestly..... that's actually the best part....knowing, with a doubt, that I cannot do this life without Him! I'm also learning that when I'm fully His, fully surrendered and fully willingly to give my life to Him, He covers me. He takes care of me and He is continuously shaping me into the person I want to be....a person who gladly lays down their life for others, with a heart that rejoices in the giving.
Maybe it's a matter of perspective for you too.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
