.....AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER....NOT!

Mark and I have been married for almost 30 years.  We've been together longer than we we've been apart.  I can't imagine my life without him and he feels the same way about me.  On the surface, our story reads like a cheesy 80's movie.....boy singer meets girl singer at a wedding where they are hired to perform.  Sparks fly from the moment boy lays eyes on girl's big red lips (Mark's version of the story)  and then....they sing.... "Endless Love" (gah!!!).  Boy asks girl out and ten months later, they marry and live happily ever after.  THE END.  Cue 80's music.  Roll credits.   I could leave it at that and you would probably believe me, right?  After all, Mark IS a pastor!   Don't all pastors and their wives have perfect marriages?  Isn't it like a prerequisite or something?  I mean, we counsel and teach others about how to have great marriages.  We've read countless books on marriage, sat through services at church devoted to marriage, and attend marriage conferences.  And certainly, we, of all people, know what the Bible says about marriage.  But the truth is, our marriage has been extremely difficult.   The truth is that we are two very broken, very flawed people,  and our 30 years together have been anything but bliss much of the time.

Mark and I couldn't be more different in personality.  Mark is a thinker, I am a feeler.  He is an introvert, I am an extrovert.  He is a visionary.  I get overwhelmed just looking at the weekly calendar.  He's an intellectual and philosopher.  I tend to be simple minded and take things at face value. (it's a gift to be simple, by the way).  On a good day, we can honestly say we admire those things about one another and have benefited greatly from being with someone who is so completely opposite.  But sometimes, (more than we would like), we find ourselves frustrated, irritated, and feeling terribly misunderstood....well, at least we have THAT in common.

Just in case you think I'm exaggerating to be "culturally relevant"or to make you feel better about your relationship (which many of you will, I'm sure), I'm gonna put it all out there (TMI alert)......We don't just argue, we fight.  We have broken almost every "fair fighting" rule in the book, more than once.  We have blamed, brought up the past, mocked (ya, that's mature), been unforgiving, refused to apologize, been selfish, stubborn and self protected, slammed doors, sworn, (sorry, Mama) and it's happened in front of our kids at times.  Let me say, we are SOOOOO NOT PROUD of this! It makes us seriously sad sometimes.   It's not that we don't want to have a super adorable marriage...we really do!  But we struggle...oh, do we struggle.

 Now at this point, I am fully aware that some of you think that I am absolutely crazy and are a tad uncomfortable with how much you know about me....I don't know why but that makes me smile a little, I'm kinda twisted that way.  Perhaps some of you are thinking, " What kind of idiot would actually admit to all of this crap publicly??? ..... ESPECIALLY a PASTOR's wife????? (all who are feeling led to pray for us, proceed).  I am also fully aware that I have lost all kinds of credibility with some of you and I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with that because life is hard and life is real and we need to talk about it instead of playing games and pretending to be something we're not.  I'm putting it all on the table because I know we're not the only ones who have struggled FOR YEARS to keep their marriage intact.  I know what it's like to feel frustrated, miserable, embarrassed, weak and just plain tired of it.  I know what it is to feel like no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to make it better.  And I know what it's like to feel like EVERYONE has a better marriage than you.  BUT, there is hope.

There is hope because there is God and He is bigger than our seemingly crappy marriages.    He's bigger than our differences, our weaknesses, our failures, our selfishness, and our hurt.  There's hope because, while our spouses all have wonderful strengths that we enjoy, their WEAKNESSES are actually God's GREATEST gift to us.  The pain that we experience in our relationships is what brings us to our knees.  And that's where God develops OUR character and makes the necessary changes in OUR hearts.  It's where we learn to relinquish control and where we learn how to forgive and be forgiven.  It's where we become painfully aware of our own selfishness and short comings and it's where we learn what real love, grace, truth, humility and redemption look like.

Please, don't loose heart!  Keep fighting!  Keep talking to each other!  Keep struggling!  Stop being so concerned with the changes your spouse needs to make and focus on the changes YOU need to make. If you don't think there are any, keep looking.  I PROMISE you'll find them. :-)   Let go of your pride and don't be afraid to admit that you can't figure it out on your own. Get professional help if need be.  Don't let bitterness and resentment win.  Don't let Satan fool you into believing you made a mistake or that your life would be better with someone else.  Don't discount the blessings that have come out of your relationship and don't underestimate the power of your marriage for your family, friends and countless others.  Lastly, don't value the desire for so-called happiness over the covenant that you made with God.  Stay faithful to that covenant and know that we are doing the same.  He will honor your faithfulness and perseverance and He will continue to use your union to build His kingdom and change the world.

Deut. 7:9  "Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.

MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN

MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN

I have felt this way most of my life.  Of course, as a kid, I went through phases of resenting the fact that my parents, teachers and other adults decided EVERYTHING for me.  (I can hear my teenager's complaints about this very subject in my head as I write).  I remember longing to be an adult so that I could make my own decisions and do whatever I wanted....Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!!!  HILARIOUS, right?  If you're like me, you RARELY do whatever you WANT as an adult.  I mean, it was so HORRIBLE having a free place to live, free food, free clothes, meals prepared, laundry done, transportation, and medical care provided.  Not to mention, being loved, guided, protected and supported every single day of my life ....just HORRIBLE!!!  Kids are so dumb!

I got married at 20....barely an adult, but FINALLY in charge of my own life.  EXCEPT there was now another person that had, at the very least, equal say in how I spent my time....And then we had kids....And the end.  :-)   I remember feeling trapped at times (uh, like yesterday) and regretful about not pushing harder to pursue personal goals and interests.  Over the years, as much as I love my family and want to take care of them, I have easily slipped in and out of feeling like their victim or hostage (uh, like yesterday), sometimes to the point of blessed martyrdom and certain sainthood.  I give and I give and I give........

Don't get me wrong.  It's not necessarily always about being selfish verses being selfless, although I'm definitely selfish more than I would like to admit.   It's not a matter of whether or not I'm trying to be a good wife and mom, and it's definitely not wrong to have other things in our lives besides taking care of our people. Seriously, we'd go crazy, right? (Can I get an "amen",  mamas?)  But, is it possible to really, truly lay down our lives every, single, stinkin' day and be joyful about it?

A little over 4 years and 20 pounds ago, my husband and I (ages 52 and 45 respectively at the time) adopted a 6 month old and an 18 month old ( children number 6 and 7 for our family).  The initial decision was surrounded by so much excitement and adrenalin that for the first year, we really didn't know what hit us.  Our daughter is diabetic and both children were born cocaine and alcohol addicted.  This meant developmental delays for both,  enormous amounts of appointments to assorted specialists, and therapies of various kinds.  If I had a nickel (even a penny) for every page of forms that I have filled out or every mile I have driven in the last 4 years.....GOOD LORD!  Anyway, once the "honeymoon" was over, I found myself completely entrenched in medical issues, behavioral issues, emotional issues, insurance issues, evaluations, research, prescription refills, medication administration, phone calls, forms, applications and appointments.  There was no longer any room WHATSOEVER for dreaming, scheming, wondering,  relaxing, vacationing, exercising, showering, or relationships.  I had to abandon every outside interest in my life so as to conserve all my energy for taking care of these two precious ones. Did I mention we have 5 other children?  Life was hard and continues to be hard....so, so, so hard!  okay.....Time to get makin' lemonade.... :-)

A year or so before we adopted our two little ones, I  fervently asked God to help me not to waste my life.  Some people, like my hubby, are super motivated and goal oriented.  I am not one of those people.  You see, I am naturally very sloth-like.  I could "hang" all day, every day and be ever so content.  But because I love God, and because I know I have only one chance at this life on earth, I want to be responsible with it.   Be that as it may, left to my own devices,  I would surely squander the opportunity.  So God did the only thing He could do with my request.  He gave me two children with special needs who would utterly and completely require my life...all of it.  It didn't take long for me to recognize that God had answered my prayer.  I no longer had to worry about finding a way to give my life away.  He left me no other option.

"MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN"....  It's a fantastically spiritual thing to say.   And when I feel extra righteous, and all of the planets are aligned, and my hormones are perfectly balanced and my weight is exactly where I want it to be, I can say "MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN" in my super christian, breathy voice and feel pretty good about it.  Truth is...I'm human and I naturally lean toward self preservation.  Everyday I feel the tension of desiring to protect myself and giving all that I have for them...for Him.  So, maybe it's a matter of perspective....victim verses victor, perhaps?  Even as I've been trying to write this post over the last few days, I have had sick kids who have been VERY needy and VERY demanding.  They keep asking me to get things for them and taking up all of my time!  "Hey, Kids, Mama's trying to write a cool blog post about laying my life down for you!  Can you just give me a freakin' minute?" Oh, Irony, how I adore you!

 I still have so much to learn about what it means to follow Christ and His teachings!   But what I have learned so far is that I am absolutely incapable of doing it on my own.   In the words of my 5 year old, "I can't want to"!  I just NEED Jesus, plain and simple!  I need Him desperately every minute of every day.  Honestly..... that's actually the best part....knowing, with a doubt, that I cannot do this life without Him!  I'm also learning that when I'm fully His, fully surrendered and fully willingly to give my life to Him, He covers me.  He takes care of me and He is continuously shaping me into the person I want to be....a person who gladly lays down their life for others, with a heart that rejoices in the giving.

Maybe it's a matter of perspective for you too.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

50 SHADES OF LEMONADE

50 SHADES OF LEMONADE

Yep, that's right!  Today's post is about the big movie coming out this week, "50 Shades of Grey".  I know there's plenty of writers writing out there in the blogsphere on this topic and, honestly, I didn't want to be one of them....still don't.  I'm not a confrontational person, except with my hubby....lucky guy.  I don't generally feel the need to share my opinion on issues unless asked...I'm just not an "in your face kind of person".  I feel pretty strongly that actions speak louder than words, most of the time.  I try to be a very accepting, loving individual who would rather error on the gracious side rather than be judgmental.  I decided to skip the movie (as I did with the book) and was content to make that particular choice for myself and mind my own business.  BUT, as I prayed this week about what to write in this post, I felt a deep impression from God to share WHY I'm not going to see the film.  So I'm asking you to bare with me and keep reading......

First, it's important for you to know that I'm not going see the movie, BUT I WANT TO!  As a human being with human desires, I'm not going to pretend the pull and curiosity isn't there for me.  It was the same for me when the book came out.  I heard all the buzz going around and learned enough about it to know that it's primarily about the sexual relationship between the two main characters, which includes a bounty of explicit BDSM scenarios and I didn't think it would be good for me to put that in my mind.  (If you don't know what BDSM is....bless your heart, I love you, and seriously, don't try to find out).  Those of you who know me, know I'm not a prude AT ALL!  I've been known to make an inappropriate comment here and there (that's putting it mildly) and even say a curse word from time to time (sorry, Mama).  I watch Grey's Anatomy, Scandal and The Americans.  I have seen my share of R rated movies.  I do try not to watch the sex scenes on tv or movies, but I've looked and, honestly,  I've soaked them in at times.  I've held my hand over my husband's eyes to "protect" him and "sacrificially shouldered" watching the scene so I would know when it was safe for him to look.   I'm confessing all of this because I don't feel that I have the right to talk about this topic unless I'm honest.  I am not coming from a place of judgement as I write.  I'm actually coming from a place of thankfulness for what God has given to me through his prompting in my heart.  So if you're still with me, grab a cup of coffee (or lemonade for thematic purposes) and let's look at this together.

5 REASONS WHY I'M NOT GOING TO SEE "50 SHADES"

1.  As a wife, I shouldn't go.  I don't want my husband to go see it and I would be mad at him if he did.  I would be hurt if he rented it ON DEMAND.  I'm gonna use the "P" word now....it's porn.  Tasteful camera angles and soft lighting make it easier to justify in my artistic mind, but the truth is....it's porn.  Honestly, a lot of us girls are really tough on our hubbies in this area and, (I'm gonna say the "H" word now)...hypocritically, give ourselves a pass via romance novels, movies etc.   If I were to see the movie, to be fair, I should encourage my husband to watch 2 hours of guilt-free porn without any judgement from me......that. is. never. gonna. happen....EVER!

2.  As a mom of boys, I shouldn't go see it.  We have serious parental controls on all of the channels on our TV.  I am the only one in our home who knows the passcode.  My 17 year old son is really trying to make good choices in his life by complying with these "safety rules".  He doesn't even have safari on his Iphone so he's not tempted to access porn from it (his decision).  He also has an app that emails his friend if he accesses any questionable sites.  He always looks at the floor when there's a sex scene on TV or on a movie.  Even if he wasn't so responsible about these things, we have spent his entire life teaching him to respect and honor women and to be a gentleman. We've explained over and over again how God's plan for relationships and marriage are what's best for him.  How can I go see a movie that is nothing but the complete opposite of all of these values....."do as I say, not as I do"???  I can't do that to him.

3.  As a mom of girls, I shouldn't go see it.  I have always taught my girls to be modest and to carry themselves with respect and dignity.  "Keep it classy" is a big phrase in our home.  I would not want them to be in this movie or to see this movie.....nor would I want them to think that the relationship depicted in it is in any way, shape or form about love.  We have spent their entire lives teaching them to be chaste and to follow God's plan for their relationships.  I want my girls to be godly women who make godly choices.  I have a responsibility to them to be an example of everything we've taught them as best I can.
Talk is cheap....I must BE the person I want my kids to be.

4.  As a woman, I shouldn't.  Even if the movie romanticizes it, the objectification of women is rampant around the world.  How can I vehemently express my horror and rage against sex trafficking and the multitude of atrocities committed against women and children, and then go to this movie and be a willing participant in watching some of the same kinds of things happen to the girl on the screen? Seriously, perversion is never romantic and it's NEVER love.......ask any victim....ask me.

5.  As a child of God, I can't.  I can't go to this movie and keep my heart completely open to Jesus.  In order to watch it, I'll have to close a piece of it off to Him, which for me, means that I'll be keeping a piece for myself.....but it's even bigger than that.  In closing my heart off to Jesus, I'm opening it up to Satan, period.   I wouldn't be able to watch all of the sex scenes and forget about them.  I would play them over and over in my mind and they would be ingrained in my consciousness forever.  I know it sounds like an exaggeration, but it would literally change who I am.  It would create a space for Satan to gain influence in my heart and mind, making it impossible for me to be the person I am when I'm totally connected to Jesus and my heart is FULLY His.  The truth of the matter is that God is so gracious and so free with His love that He always lets us choose for ourselves.  I have the choice, it is mine to make, and He will love me the same no matter what it is.  Frankly, I have chosen to read, see and think about things that I know were not pleasing to Him at times.  Lightning never struck me and, clearly, I never turned into a pillar of salt.  But I know who I was and how I was when those things were in my life and it is NOT who I want to be.  I don't want to be in bondage to my flesh, or a slave to anything other than Christ....pun intended!  :-)

If you choose to go see "50 Shades", I'm not gonna be mad at you.  I'm not going to treat you any differently or lecture you in any way.   My love for you and acceptance of you will not change.  Here's the deal, though.....We only have one shot at our time here on earth.  We only have one opportunity to live a life of gratitude and thankfulness for all that He has offered and given to us so generously and freely.  We have the chance to connect our hearts FULLY to the God of the universe and to impact our families, friends, community, and the world for His glory.  And we have each other.....to support, encourage and to cheer each other on when we make choices that go against the norm.  This is a choice that goes against the norm in our culture right now.  Will you think about it?